The Couch

Photo courtesy of Jen my childhood couch dweller.

My mother loves to decorate, but not for comfort or functionality. She decorates to achieve a desired look, and this couch fits that look. What ever that look is it sure as hell doesn’t fit anyone’s body.

First of all the seat of the couch is wider than the back. So when you sit in it you feel like a toddler sitting on a normal size couch. Your feet can't touch the floor because the bend in your knee won’t bend. If you sit forward on the couch with your ass on the edge of the seat you can touch the ground, but then your knees are in the air and you have no back rest. This is a very exhausting position and can't be sustained for long.
Since the couch is only an inch off the ground when you do decide to get off the couch you usually need some assistance. If you're really good you can launch yourself out of it without the assistance of others (but this takes practice). I don’t suggest any new guest trying to get out of the couch without one or two experienced spotters.

My mother’s technique for the couch is simple if you don’t mind crawling on the floor. She doesn’t bother to ever try and sit in the couch she just lays on the couch and when she is ready to get up she rolls herself around putting her knees on the floor and using the armrest as support to get up. This can be quite a seen at times. There is a lot of sying and rocking in order for her to get into the position. It never looks like it’s easy, but she manages to do it. This would also explain her hesitation to get off the couch to do anything. It is such an ordeal to get off the couch she very rarely answers the phone unless you call about 5 or 6 times in a row. That is her signal that you might be calling with something important enough to take the risk injuring herself while trying to get off the couch.

Luckily for my sister she is ten and flexible so she has very little problem with the couch. It is like her personal juggle gym. She jumps over the back and sliding into position like the duke’s of hazards into the General Lee. She then pops on the TV and takes over not allowing anyone to invade with out a fight. She will sit there with her homework spread out over the couch. Papers everywhere, the TV on the Disney Chanel and the computer on her lap.“Lilli, can I sit there” You point to the paper filled spot on the couch. She looks at you with such contempt. How dare you ask such a question can’t you see this is her room she is the only one that can sit in this couch comfortably.

My step father avoids the couch altogether and sits in the chair which has an awful view of the T.V. but is a much safer option. You are less likely to need assistance to get out of it.

To all soon to be visitor your only option is to lay vertical on the couch like a bed or sit in a small uncomfortable armchair (That is if you can get to it before my stepfather does). So relax, lay down with your feet up on the couch and feel free to take up most of it. No one else really wants to sit there anyway(except Lilli). But remember the dangers you may endure trying to get out of that couch. Make sure you have gone to the bathroom before you sit. You don’t want to be caught in an emergency situation causing you to injure yourself as you depart from it.

A little added bonus. We not only have a couch in this disastrous design we also have:
1 “useless spill your coffee everywhere really expensive” coffee maker.
4 Uncomfortable “slide your ass all over the place” black plastic space-age dinning room chairs.
1 Glowing tea kettle. I don’t really have anything bad to say about the tea kettle it’s kind of cool. It glows and you can see the bubbles when it boils.
And last but not least 1 button less silent toaster that doesn’t toast.