The Couch

Photo courtesy of Jen my childhood couch dweller.

My mother loves to decorate, but not for comfort or functionality. She decorates to achieve a desired look, and this couch fits that look. What ever that look is it sure as hell doesn’t fit anyone’s body.

First of all the seat of the couch is wider than the back. So when you sit in it you feel like a toddler sitting on a normal size couch. Your feet can't touch the floor because the bend in your knee won’t bend. If you sit forward on the couch with your ass on the edge of the seat you can touch the ground, but then your knees are in the air and you have no back rest. This is a very exhausting position and can't be sustained for long.
Since the couch is only an inch off the ground when you do decide to get off the couch you usually need some assistance. If you're really good you can launch yourself out of it without the assistance of others (but this takes practice). I don’t suggest any new guest trying to get out of the couch without one or two experienced spotters.

My mother’s technique for the couch is simple if you don’t mind crawling on the floor. She doesn’t bother to ever try and sit in the couch she just lays on the couch and when she is ready to get up she rolls herself around putting her knees on the floor and using the armrest as support to get up. This can be quite a seen at times. There is a lot of sying and rocking in order for her to get into the position. It never looks like it’s easy, but she manages to do it. This would also explain her hesitation to get off the couch to do anything. It is such an ordeal to get off the couch she very rarely answers the phone unless you call about 5 or 6 times in a row. That is her signal that you might be calling with something important enough to take the risk injuring herself while trying to get off the couch.

Luckily for my sister she is ten and flexible so she has very little problem with the couch. It is like her personal juggle gym. She jumps over the back and sliding into position like the duke’s of hazards into the General Lee. She then pops on the TV and takes over not allowing anyone to invade with out a fight. She will sit there with her homework spread out over the couch. Papers everywhere, the TV on the Disney Chanel and the computer on her lap.“Lilli, can I sit there” You point to the paper filled spot on the couch. She looks at you with such contempt. How dare you ask such a question can’t you see this is her room she is the only one that can sit in this couch comfortably.

My step father avoids the couch altogether and sits in the chair which has an awful view of the T.V. but is a much safer option. You are less likely to need assistance to get out of it.

To all soon to be visitor your only option is to lay vertical on the couch like a bed or sit in a small uncomfortable armchair (That is if you can get to it before my stepfather does). So relax, lay down with your feet up on the couch and feel free to take up most of it. No one else really wants to sit there anyway(except Lilli). But remember the dangers you may endure trying to get out of that couch. Make sure you have gone to the bathroom before you sit. You don’t want to be caught in an emergency situation causing you to injure yourself as you depart from it.

A little added bonus. We not only have a couch in this disastrous design we also have:
1 “useless spill your coffee everywhere really expensive” coffee maker.
4 Uncomfortable “slide your ass all over the place” black plastic space-age dinning room chairs.
1 Glowing tea kettle. I don’t really have anything bad to say about the tea kettle it’s kind of cool. It glows and you can see the bubbles when it boils.
And last but not least 1 button less silent toaster that doesn’t toast.

Dan's first time meeting my family

My father and sisters all live in California. So once a year I take a trip to go and see everyone. I love them all dearly but there always seems to be some kind of drama. I have 4 sisters all with very strong personalities. They are wonderful strong young women, but all just a little crazy and a bit overdramatic (myself included).

A normal conversation in this house to outsiders I’m sure sounds like a full all out rumbling argument.

When I lived in New York I had a boyfriend (will call him Dan). He was also from California not far from the area my father and sisters lived. He was quite and well mannered and came from a good family. His father was a retired professor from a well known University in California. He grew up in a nice quite house with a docile family that didn’t argue much.

My family on the other had is very dramatic. My father is a criminal defense attorney and he works out of his house a lot of the time. There is always some new case with some accused criminals that are in need of his immediate help. We frequently get calls from jail and he is on the news quite often. My father remarried when I was young and out of it he got 4 more daughters and I got 4 more beautiful yet loud sisters. One of my younger sisters (we will call her Tasha) during this time was just starting to move out on her own. She didn’t have much desire to go to college. But had a good job making pretty good money and was able to get herself a brand new car.

My boyfriend and I decided to take a trip to California to visit both our families. Before arriving I tried to give him some warning of the drama that was bound to ensue.

(Names have been changes to protect the innocent. acutally I just don't want to piss anyone off)

Me “I just want you to know that my family can get a little crazy sometimes.”
Dan “Julia, Calm down everyone’s family is a little crazy it will be fine.”
Me “Ok, but it can get a little overwhelming”
Dan “Don’t worry; I understand we are going to have a great time.”

We arrive at the airport, rent a car and drive to my father’s house. I call on my cell phone to announce to my family will be arriving shortly. On the other end of the phone I can hear the hustle and bustle of the household in the background.

Ring ring...
My father answers (the fact that some one answered at all was a miracle) “hello” ciaos in the background.
“Hi, daddy we are on our way to the house we should be there shortly I reply”
“What are you doing? Hand me that.” He yells into the phone.
Me “Daddy?”
Dad “Now what did I say, quit it and give me that remote.” (Ruckus and the sound of little girls screaming in the background.)
Me “Hello, Dad?”
Realizing he was on the phone with me he then says “hey, you’re on your way? Great see ya soon.”
Me “Ok see ya when we get there, by”


This is a pretty normal conversation with my father. You never know whether he is talking to you or someone else. He will have 3 conversations with 3 different people while on the phone with you.

As we pull up to the house we can see about 6 or so cars spilling out of the driveway and into the cul-de-sac (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cul-de-sac). One bright shiny new car in front of the garage door with the other older cars spilling out behind it. My boyfriend and I park in the middle of the cul-de-sac and go to the door leaving the luggage in the car. We can hear the noises from inside as we approach. Girls shrilly little voices arguing and the TV playing the crime network blaring over it all. I open the door and the noise burst out at us seeming to blow back our hair.

I loudly announce my arrival hoping they can hear me over all the commotion.
“Hey everybody I’m hear.”

I walk into the TV room where my dad sits on the couch with the TV at top volume and remote in hand. The TV room opens up into the kitchen where my stepmother is cleaning dishes and other misalliance household chores. As the girls run around making a mess quicker than she can manage to clean it up.

Dan seems a bit stunned at all the commotion but calmly fallows me in.

They all stop what they are doing to greet us. And then the drama begins. My Father starts to tell me about this big case he is working on. He is representing some people that where indoctrinated into this Muslim type cult. And now they are out of the cult and are being harassed. There has been some threats and beatings and all sorts of nasty little goings on. My father also tells us the leader of this organization has also been ambiguously threatening my father on his cable access TV show.

There is never a dull moment in the Washington household.

I look over at a speechless Dan. And get him a beer from the fridge. (He looks like he’s going to need it.) Right at that moment a frantic Tasha bust through the front door.

Tasha “Mom I saw him out side tell him I’m not here. Tell him I left or something.”

There’s a knock at the door.

I ask my father what’s going on. He ignores me and goes to answer the door while my stepmother informs me that Tasha has not been able to pay her car note and is now being fallowed by the repo man.

My father and has a conversation with a man at the door that we can’t hear.

I look over at a still speechless and yet some what intrigued Dan. Then go to the fridge and get him another beer.

My father returns and Tasha comes out of hiding.
Tasha “What did you say?”
Dad “He can’t legally tow or move any other cars to get to your car. (This explains all the cars in the driveway spilling on to the street) But I think he is going to wait out there until he can get that car. Tasha, I think it’s time to give up the car.”
Tasha in a winey annoyed voice “How am I supposed to get to work. I’m pregnant I need to get around. I have to go places.”

This discussion with my father and Tasha goes on for awhile while a very persistent repo man hangs out in our cul-de-sac smoking cigarettes and twiddling his thumbs. The other girls are yelling about some card game they are playing because my youngest sister is cheating.
Youngest sister “hahahaha I win”
Sister 2 “No you don’t you can’t do that. You’re cheating.”
Youngest sister “How can I cheat if I don’t know the rules”
Sister 2 “Gimme the cards you can’t play anymore”
Youngest sister while taking the cards and running and screaming in laughter “haahahahhahaha”
Step mom “Give your sister the cards”
Youngest “No”
Step Mom “For Christ sake if you don’t stop this mess I’m going to beat the living shit out of you” (this by the way is an empty threat and my youngest sister knows it so she continues to run around the house giggling with the cards in hand while sister 2 chases after her.)

At last Tasha decides that there is no way around it and she goes outside to reluctantly to give up her car. And my dad goes back to sitting on the couch and turns the T.V. louder trying to hear his true crime show over the noise.

“You know he’s an idiot. What is that girl Asian?” my dad says out loud. I’m not sure if he is talking to me or someone else in the room or maybe he is talking to the T.V.

Dan sits down on the couch with his 3rd or 4th beer in hand.

My dad starts telling him about what an idiot the guy on the T.V. is.
Dad “And you know that’s how a guy will get shot”
Dan looks over at me in confusion not truly knowing how people “get shot.”

All I can say to him is welcome to my family.

The next day my father goes to court and we stay at the house with the rest of the family. (Remember I told you about the Muslim cult leader) Dan and I sit and try to relax when there is a knock at the door. I go to the door to see who it is.

I open it to reveal some guys dressed in a suits and ties. They say they’re selling some bean pies. Why in a development of so many houses do you chose this one to try and sell your bean pies. I respectfully decline and shut the door. I watch as they leave not going to anyother house with there suspisions bean pies. All the while thinking about the case my father told me about the day before.

When my dad comes home I let him know about the two men visiting with the bean pies and he says they where probable sent over by the cult leader giving the message “we know no where you live”.

“Great! Are we going to get blown up or shot down by some angry Muslim cult” I think to myself. “I have always wanted a vacation where I have to run for my life. I feel like a spy or something. It’s better than a trip to an amusement park”

Trip to Sam’s Club!!! Sam’s club you wonder? Yes, Sam’s Club. Sam’s club has everything your growing family could need a six gallon tub of Crisco or variety of home surveillance equipment that can be easily self installed. Of course we can’t just go with one or 2 of us. This is an adventure for the whole family. We all pile into the washfam van (Personalized license plates aren’t they great! I’m being sarcastic) and head out to get are spy equipment.

Remind you Dan is sitting back just along for the ride. And what a ride he is getting I should have charged him an admition fee. This is way better than reality T.V.

When we arrive at Sam’s my younger sister’s take off running. They go through I isles asking my parents for something in each one.

Dad… Dad… Dad… Can I have this? Mom, can I get that?

We mossy along browsing the store like a spiraling tornado of noise and commotion. My father being the calm eye of the storm, seemingly oblivious to the commotion that surrounds him.
At last we go through the checkout line with spy equipment in hand along with various other things that my parents weren’t planning on buying.

When we get home Dan and I decide to install the video surveillance system. Dan is a bit of a tech nerd and loves this stuff. And I feel like a spy so I’m happy to help.

When we finish installing we go into the T.V. room to test and see if the equipment is working properly. We turn the T.V. on and snuggle around it to watch the front door. My sisters pilled up on the couch like a heap of puppies tangled together, my step mom in the chair with her feet on the ottoman and my dad fast asleep sitting up on the love seat.

I love my family! They are a bundle of excitement and fun. And every visit is filled with love.